Underworld is one of the best movies ever, falling just beneath Army of Darkness, Short Circuit, Lion King, and Crank. Do you know why? It's not because it's "good" in the typical sense. It's because it has Kate Beckinsale in it. That's all the movie needs! I think it also has werewolves or mermaids or some shit, but who cares. Now, I don't want to hear any of that shrill whining about how in order to be good, a movie needs to have "good acting" or "a plot." Unless you're gay or a pretentious snob, you're going to be quite content with a bountiful set of cinematic titties. If you think I omitted chicks in the last sentence, I didn't; women like titties too. Last time I went to a strip club, the three girls I was with were a lot more entranced by the on-stage shenanigans than I was. I was preoccupied with ordering a beer.

I can't recall the last time that OJ and I went to a movie and didn't drink. The most recent one was Crank. Jason Statham is like the male counterpart to Kate Beckinsale. He is a paragon of manliness. If you don't think that getting roadhead from your girlfriend during a high-speed shootout, after having fucked her in front of 200 people in Chinatown, is manly, you need to have your balls examined. After watching that, we were so charged, OJ and I declared war and won against the Sultanate of Brunei. We now collect ten virgins a month. And a delicious smoked ham.

We had a similar experience when we watched Underworld. When you play a drinking games who's rules are "take a shot every time you see Kate", and she's the lead actress, you get drunk with astounding rapidity. Shortly afterwards, we got kicked out of every dining establishment within a ten mile radious. Apparently family restaurants don't serve beer, and as a result don't believe you when you say that "the other waiter" brought the beer in your hand. I think we also captured a pair of deer and raced on them through the woods, but my memory was hazy by this point. We may have actually been racing on the backs of fat chicks through downtown. Giddyup!

Grab that flask and hit the theater.

~Fuzzy

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